Thursday, January 23, 2020

Hurry Home


The soul is willing, but the body is week.  
I know this to be true.  
For I am willing to wait till the ends of time,
to reconcile with you.  

My soul desires oneness,
and my heart desires peace.    
I dream of the time long from now,
when we live in harmony.  

I see your struggle all too clear,
but I don’t know if it will change.  
Am I waiting for a shadow,
that will never fully come to shape?   

I don’t know if you want me
…if you’re proud of who I am.  
I don’t know if you desire my body,
or speak kindly to my name.  

I am not sure what forever means to you,
Or if "forever" this time will last.
Will you forever scan for her?
Or "forever" seek a new mold to cast? 

Sometimes I wonder:
Who is out there now, waiting just for me?  
Who will love me fully and forever and complete?  
Who will take my children, and love them just like me? 

I need to feel hands on me and a deep embracing kiss.  
I need to tell my plans to him and together hope and wish.  
I need to be the only one who occupies his heart.  
I need to work together and not slowly grow apart.  
I need to rest in his strong arms and know that I am safe.  
I need to trust my kids with him and see so clearly his strong faith.  

My soul will continue waiting…
I cannot be sure how long.  
My strength is now wavering,
my will no longer strong.  

Every day I feel the fire burning
with a flame that strengthens still.  
A hunger for eyes that see through my soul
and hands the storm does still. 

Not to feed that unquenchable desire
is a practice of the will

…so please…oh please,
would you hurry home?  
Hurry back to me.  
To the life you knew so well,
but one now fully overflowing with love from thee. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

My Testimony for this Day



I remember very vividly a time when I was about 9 years old with long unruly sandy brown hair, wearing jeans, an old soccer T-shirt, and some dingy tennis shoes. I stood outside my little one story farm house, as close to the edge of the property as I could…trying to be out of sight should the door to the house open or a eyes peer from behind the tightly closed windows that were covered in black out curtains.  My mom was off somewhere pursuing her college diploma or perhaps working for an elderly women to bring in an income…always off somewhere.  My brothers, as was their normal routine, took their bikes and fled for the day to hang out with 2 neighborhood boys that lived down the winding road from us.   My dad locked inside, just released me from endless tormenting abuse.  I looked out on the cattle field and followed the fence till it met the quiet road that closed off the open field.  My face still blotchy from tears chocked back, I debated what it would be like if I walked…just walked till the ends of the earth and found a sanctuary in the trees somewhere.  I wondered when I would be missed…or who might come looking for me.  Then I realized that I couldn’t for the fear of the unknown was much greater than the terror that lie in the house behind me.   My mind shifted then to walking in front of a big truck carrying a load of mulch or gravel to a nearby property… If I stepped in front of that, would they cry?  I paused on that thought for minutes that seemed to drift into hours.  Nobody is looking for me now,  no one sees the hurt behind my eyes, or asks how my day was or even looks for the truth in my smile.  Even my mother’s embrace feels empty and hollow.  Nobody sees me now, why would they would cry if I was gone.  So I stood…looking at the birds pecking from the mulberry trees above my head.  Peering out at the cattle in the field grazing quietly, I took a deep, cleansing breath, and decided right there on that very spot, that the only option was to survive and to assure that I would have a happy future.  I told God and myself in that very moment that I would choose to MAKE my future a happy one! I would!  Nobody is going to help me out of this…SO I WOULD ASSURE a good and prosperous future. Little did I know that God was literally blowing through the trees, sending his birds, and his cattle as my comfort.  He was there, feeling the pain with me...and whispering a hope inside me.  
            As time moved forward, that is exactly what I did...  I worked to create my future.  I studied hard in school.  I prayed at church.  I said please and thank you.  I helped out my grandparents and babysat my cousins.  I brushed my hair and tried to never hurt a single soul on the planet and tried to protect those that were hurting.  I always said yes and never no.  I always agreed even when it didn’t feel right.  I played sports and showed up on time and didn’t ever ask for anything.  I worked and made my own money for clothes, food, and college.  I had a boyfriend and for the first time ever, gave my own body to him by my own choice.   I didn’t trouble my mom or my brothers (or anyone for that matter) with the knowledge of my abuse.  I screamed and fought my dad every chance I could get for the sake of righteousness and honor.  Even when it put my mother and brothers in very physically dangerous positions trying to protect me.  I took 21-26 credit hours in school each semester just to finish early and start my own hope of the future all the while maintaining a 4.0 GPA and working 2 part time jobs.  When I finished school my pastor asked me to come help him out in Texas start up a new church…and I did.  I flew away from my grandparents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my brothers, my mom…and my dad.  I worked as a waitress, substitute taught, and volunteered in church.  I got my own apartment with granite counter tops and beautiful tile in floors in the kitchen and bathrooms.  I got my first teaching job and a handsome, kind man from a beautiful and loving family started pursuing me.   He was Catholic, so I took him to church, my church.  I knew for that happy future, I needed to have an equal belief system.  He came…happily came.  We married, I made sure to not live with him till we were married…although I did feel a tremendous amount of guilt over our hidden intimate relationship but at the same time desperately needed that intimate relationship more than I understood.  We had two kids and two dogs and were raising them in church… the kids that is.  I fought for good TV programs, didn’t let them stay the night anywhere, and watched them like a hawk when we did leave the sanctuary of our house.  I asked my husband not to cuss around us, I asked him to be happy when he went to church, to tell me what he was learning through the message, to be a leader for his son and a gentleman for his daughter to see, I begged him to help me with the dishes, to take care of the air filters, and trim the hedges…and when he didn’t or wouldn’t, I took care of it all.   The budget was hard, but it had to be balanced…our future aspirations depended on it.  So I looked at every line, adjusted daily for expenditures and stayed on top of it all.    I worked my way up from teaching kids, to mentoring teachers, to administration, and finally landed a Director’s position at a local public school for pre-kindergarteners…I excelled there.  In the first year, our academic performance had skyrocketed and the building was running efficiently and I loss no employees in the change of leadership.  Then January 2020 came and I was about to tackle my biggest battle of all…over eating, emotional eating, and binging.  For two whole weeks I was solid…  Exercising, eating perfect, following the plan.  I lost 16lbs in those two weeks and felt a supernatural strength that I hadn’t felt in a while.  My knees hurt less, my swelling went down, my stomach had no pain/indigestion that was a constant presence in my life, and I had energy again.  I literally said out loud that “this is the Year of Mandy!!!  Living my best life”.  I was planning how good I would look when I brought in my 40th birthday and where I would go to show off this new me!  My husband, although we had many ups and downs, declared that he was done with causing me to feel like we were on a “roller-coaster” of a marriage and he promised that it wouldn’t happen anymore!  He wouldn’t be angry, he would try to make me feel his love, and he started making time for “coffee dates” and hand holding more.  Our intimacy was struggling, but it had been for a while, and I took the new attitude with a hopeful heart.  At this point we were just 2 weeks past our 13th wedding anniversary and had been together for 17 years in total.  On this night, was the night that my perfect plan, for my “Good Future” that I had determined that I would create…all fell apart. 
On January 13th, 2020 I caught my husband having an affair.  I had kissed him goodbye to go out to Uber drive for a couple hours that night like so many nights before.  I had been getting a sick sinking feeling in my spirit and this night I decided to act on it.  He hadn’t been gone long when I logged into his account and clicked on “find my I-phone”.  The next two hours of staring at his motionless ping as it sat at an unknown address were endless.  That night he confessed and over the next couple days more and more slowly came out.    I was physically sick…my whole body uncontrollably shook constantly… I couldn’t eat nor sleep.   I asked him to move out, our kids found out and cried…an illusion shattered.  So did our families and our close friends.  All seemingly just as shocked as I.  I ran to the church and shut the world out.  How could this happen to me…after I worked so hard to do it all so right.  How could this happen.  I choked back tears and ran outside to look at the trees, the birds, try to breathe the fresh air…just like my nine year old self when I could stop the pain.  My life spiraled out of order…I had no control over any of it…my marriage, my house, my budget, my kids emotional health, my loss of his family, not even over my physically being.    No control.  For the first time in my entire life, I realized that this WAS MY BATTLE…not the infidelity… that was HIS battle to take to the cross.  My battle was understanding that it was never within my control…that was my illusion.  There is sin is this world and the future is not promised and cannot be planned for by our own strength, will, and abilities.  God is in control… not me.   It’s never clearer than at this moment when my life is spiraling, that I need to give it all to God, release the reigns of literally everything I thought was good and right about my life and rest in the promises of God for my future.  A future that is not planned by me and executed by me… but a future that follows God’s perfect path that he has already written in the stars.  He is not surprised by this, he hates that I have to walk through this, he will punish those who hurt me if I let him…but he promises to use it for a beautiful purpose in me.  And if I can stop to breathe him in for just a minute…I can see that he was always there and how very sweet life will be when I don’t have to hold on so tightly for my happiness.  He will show me how my husband, or my future husband if God so chooses not to restore this marriage, needs to feel respected and trusted and like a leader and he will show me how to do that.  He will give me everything I fought so hard to create for myself.  Beauty in the Ashes. 

Friday, January 17, 2020

The Deepest Cut


Despair
1/16/2020
Chasing the wind
Slipping through my fingers
I grasp and claw
I draw in with a long but shallow breath
I search but I cannot see
Like a ghost, it brushes past my shoulder
Chills rise up and pass through my hollow body
It whispers in my ear…loss, failure, death
I slink cautiously through the shadows
Not aware of the path, not able to see the ground veiled in mist
I fall and clasp my knees to my chest
I am home

Hope
1/17/2020
Your hands hold me
Your feet run to my side
I feel your comforter near
My eyes are blinded
My body frozen in place
But there is a voice in the wind
I turn my head to listen
To find you through the mist
A whisper of hope in the distance
I wait for only you to come and pull me from this place

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

The Vision

Prologue: 

Alone in the woods,
along a dark musty path,
a broken, sore girl,
places on armor that lasts.

Each day is a battle,
of foes unexpected, unseen...
and her daily time with God,
brings the comfort she needs.

The Vision:

The warrior, she rose,
on the damp misty day,
laced up her boots,
and knelt down to pray.

What carried her on,
was an unspoken hope,
a wisp of a wish...
born on a path long ago.

This hope nearly lost,
as the trials combined.
The people fought back,
and support vastly declined.

Alone now, unsure...
Just begging to flee,
drawn on by this hope,
that's drowning, unseen.

Deep in her plea for direction,
she dreamt of a battle...so distant, a blur...
Instantly, she jumped on her saddle,
and road, till fighting and death consumed her.

Shields clashed.
Bodies dismembered.
Armies stood.
A day to remember.

A glowing light,
shined brightly through the mass,
a sword driven on,
A most kingly drawn path.

Standing up for the good,
the pure and the lovely.
Unseen angels surround,
and heavenly hosts summoned down.

From the ground she's surrounded.
She saw no way ahead.
But the devil, he's scared,
and whispers..."Death, fear, and dread!"

They proped up her shield,
and carried her sword,
her will may have faltered...
But He is The Lord!!

A thunder crash,
brought an almighty storm.
Beasts flee from the field,
in a hazardous swarm.

Truth was won,
on the fateful, dark day.
And an awestruck warrior,
stopped to give Him praise

The vision now passed,
the girl rose on up,
renewed in her spirit,
for Christ was enough!

He gave her a message,
to carry her through.
The hope that was lost,
has now been renewed.

She doesn't know where,
or how...even why!
but she knows He is there,
and the Son is her guide.

The battle she's on,
has already been won,
written in history,
from the day it begun.



The Death and Life of TRUE LOVE in America

There is an epidemic,
Growing deep inside our souls.
Devastation has been implanted,
In generations long since foretold.

We seem not to know the cure,
Though one readily exists.
And now time is growing colder,
As we sink further in the mist...

There are still a faithful few,
Who know the path to light,
And these steady souls are eager,
to stand up, pray, and fight!

But the masses run away
Saying, "We're much to smart for this!"
Passion is their guide,
And hopes float upon a wish.

This passion is a flame,
That quickly bursts to light.
Yet, when tormenting storms rain down,
Embers fade into the night.

The lights are growing dim,
blackouts down every street.
The quick pulse of flames dispersing,
beating in the rhythm of defeat.

Yet, where there's hope and courage,
and people left to fight,
warmth and love will draw them,
like a pillar in the night!



(I dedicate this to those fighting for love and marriage that is true, not a wisp of emotion, but that is long-lasting, forever, through the trials in life, scarred and imperfect, but beautiful!)


Saturday, October 11, 2014

Life's Simple Deduction

For what do I owe this minute?
This day to be called, "most blessed",
The sounds of my babes still dreaming,
and a mind that's not quite at rest.

Though darkness and dread loom about,
and death encroaches our door.
A gentle hope yet arises,
it whispers and I yearn for more.

The clock ticks on and I wonder...
Will rest come find me this day?
Or will the race laid before me,
 still carry me further away?

It seems but simple deduction;
2 kids, a house, and nice cars.
We should be ever so happy,
Yet our sights are set on the stars!

Amanda Ruiz
10-12-14






Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Daughter Arise

Daughter arise to your perfect fate!
Your eyes are deep with wisdom,
Your smile, soft and sweet.
You bring only peace and love,
to those who seek your face

You have known what is right and wrong,
from the earliest of years.
and always strived to do your best
...to conquer all your fears.

The purpose in your life,
hangs heavy with ripe fruit.
Do not let the rains destroy,
All God has in store for you.

There will be troubles,
and terrible strive.
Tears will fall,
Many times in life.

Keep your eyes focused on heaven,
And on your knees worn from prayer.
Always give to Him your worries, and
God will surly meet you there.

and know...Mommy will always smile,
and feel incredible joy at the sound of your voice
and the mention of your name.