I remember
very vividly a time when I was about 9 years old with long unruly sandy brown hair, wearing jeans, an old soccer T-shirt, and some dingy tennis shoes. I stood outside my little
one story farm house, as close to the edge of the property as I could…trying to
be out of sight should the door to the house open or a eyes peer from behind
the tightly closed windows that were covered in black out curtains. My mom was off somewhere pursuing her college
diploma or perhaps working for an elderly women to bring in an income…always off somewhere. My brothers, as was their normal routine,
took their bikes and fled for the day to hang out with 2 neighborhood boys that
lived down the winding road from us. My
dad locked inside, just released me from endless tormenting abuse. I looked out on the cattle field and followed
the fence till it met the quiet road that closed off the open field. My face still blotchy from tears chocked
back, I debated what it would be like if I walked…just walked till the ends of
the earth and found a sanctuary in the trees somewhere. I wondered when I would be missed…or who
might come looking for me. Then I
realized that I couldn’t for the fear of the unknown was much greater than the terror
that lie in the house behind me. My
mind shifted then to walking in front of a big truck carrying a load of mulch
or gravel to a nearby property… If I stepped in front of that, would they
cry? I paused on that thought for
minutes that seemed to drift into hours.
Nobody is looking for me now, no
one sees the hurt behind my eyes, or asks how my day was or even looks for the
truth in my smile. Even my mother’s
embrace feels empty and hollow. Nobody
sees me now, why would they would cry if I was gone. So I stood…looking at the birds pecking from the
mulberry trees above my head. Peering
out at the cattle in the field grazing quietly, I took a deep, cleansing
breath, and decided right there on that very spot, that the only option was to
survive and to assure that I would have
a happy future. I told God and
myself in that very moment that I would choose to MAKE my future a happy one! I
would! Nobody is going to help me
out of this…SO I WOULD ASSURE a good and prosperous future. Little did I know that God was literally blowing through the trees, sending his birds, and his cattle as my comfort. He was there, feeling the pain with me...and whispering a hope inside me.
As time moved forward, that is exactly what I did... I worked to create my future. I studied hard in school. I prayed at church. I said please and thank you. I helped out my grandparents and babysat my
cousins. I brushed my hair and tried to
never hurt a single soul on the planet and tried to protect those that were hurting. I
always said yes and never no. I always
agreed even when it didn’t feel right. I
played sports and showed up on time and didn’t ever ask for anything. I worked and made my own money for clothes, food,
and college. I had a boyfriend and for
the first time ever, gave my own body to him by my own choice. I didn’t trouble my mom or my brothers (or
anyone for that matter) with the knowledge of my abuse. I screamed and fought my dad every chance I
could get for the sake of righteousness and honor. Even when it put my mother and brothers in
very physically dangerous positions trying to protect me. I took 21-26 credit hours in school each semester
just to finish early and start my own hope of the future all the while
maintaining a 4.0 GPA and working 2 part time jobs. When I finished school my pastor asked me to
come help him out in Texas start up a new church…and I did. I flew away from my grandparents, my cousins,
my aunts and uncles, my brothers, my mom…and my dad. I worked as a waitress, substitute taught,
and volunteered in church. I got my own
apartment with granite counter tops and beautiful tile in floors in the kitchen
and bathrooms. I got my first teaching
job and a handsome, kind man from a beautiful and loving family started
pursuing me. He was Catholic, so I took
him to church, my church. I knew
for that happy future, I needed to have an equal belief system. He came…happily came. We married, I made sure to not live with him
till we were married…although I did feel a tremendous amount of guilt over our
hidden intimate relationship but at the same time desperately needed that
intimate relationship more than I understood.
We had two kids and two dogs and were raising them in church… the kids
that is. I fought for good TV programs,
didn’t let them stay the night anywhere, and watched them like a hawk when we
did leave the sanctuary of our house. I
asked my husband not to cuss around us, I asked him to be happy when he went to
church, to tell me what he was learning through the message, to be a leader for
his son and a gentleman for his daughter to see, I begged him to help me with
the dishes, to take care of the air filters, and trim the hedges…and when he
didn’t or wouldn’t, I took care of it all.
The budget was hard, but it had to be balanced…our future aspirations
depended on it. So I looked at every
line, adjusted daily for expenditures and stayed on top of it all. I
worked my way up from teaching kids, to mentoring teachers, to administration,
and finally landed a Director’s position at a local public school for pre-kindergarteners…I
excelled there. In the first year, our
academic performance had skyrocketed and the building was running efficiently
and I loss no employees in the change of leadership. Then January 2020 came and I was about to
tackle my biggest battle of all…over eating, emotional eating, and
binging. For two whole weeks I was solid… Exercising, eating perfect, following the
plan. I lost 16lbs in those two weeks
and felt a supernatural strength that I hadn’t felt in a while. My knees hurt less, my swelling went down, my
stomach had no pain/indigestion that was a constant presence in my life, and I
had energy again. I literally said out
loud that “this is the Year of Mandy!!!
Living my best life”. I was
planning how good I would look when I brought in my 40th birthday
and where I would go to show off this new me!
My husband, although we had many ups and downs, declared that he was
done with causing me to feel like we were on a “roller-coaster” of a marriage
and he promised that it wouldn’t happen anymore! He wouldn’t be angry, he would try to make me
feel his love, and he started making time for “coffee dates” and hand holding
more. Our intimacy was struggling, but
it had been for a while, and I took the new attitude with a hopeful heart. At this point we were just 2 weeks past our
13th wedding anniversary and had been together for 17 years in
total. On this night, was the night that
my perfect plan, for my “Good Future” that I had
determined that I would create…all fell apart.
On January
13th, 2020 I caught my husband having an affair. I had kissed him goodbye to go out to Uber
drive for a couple hours that night like so many nights before. I had been getting a sick sinking feeling in
my spirit and this night I decided to act on it. He hadn’t been gone long when I logged into
his account and clicked on “find my I-phone”.
The next two hours of staring at his motionless ping as it sat at an
unknown address were endless. That night
he confessed and over the next couple days more and more slowly came out. I was
physically sick…my whole body uncontrollably shook constantly… I couldn’t eat
nor sleep. I asked him to move out, our kids found out
and cried…an illusion shattered. So did
our families and our close friends. All
seemingly just as shocked as I. I ran to
the church and shut the world out. How
could this happen to me…after I worked so hard to do it all so right. How could this happen. I choked back tears and ran outside to look
at the trees, the birds, try to breathe the fresh air…just like my nine year
old self when I could stop the pain. My
life spiraled out of order…I had no control over any of it…my marriage, my
house, my budget, my kids emotional health, my loss of his family, not even
over my physically being. No control.
For the first time in my entire life, I realized that this WAS MY BATTLE…not
the infidelity… that was HIS battle to take to the cross. My battle was understanding that it was never
within my control…that was my illusion.
There is sin is this world and the future is not promised and cannot be
planned for by our own strength, will, and abilities. God is in control… not me. It’s never clearer than at this moment when
my life is spiraling, that I need to give it all to God, release the reigns of
literally everything I thought was good and right about my life and rest in the
promises of God for my future. A future
that is not planned by me and executed by me… but a future that follows God’s
perfect path that he has already written in the stars. He is not surprised by this, he hates that I
have to walk through this, he will punish those who hurt me if I let him…but
he promises to use it for a beautiful purpose in me. And if I can stop to breathe him in for just
a minute…I can see that he was always there and how very sweet life will be when I don’t have to hold on so
tightly for my happiness. He will show me how my husband, or my future husband if God so chooses not to restore this marriage, needs to feel respected and trusted and like a leader and he will show me how to do that. He will give me everything I fought so hard to create for myself. Beauty in the
Ashes.
